What causes my shame and fear

I am back to square one again. I told my dad about my problem and he figured out that I was simply turning in circles... That I was actually inside this "vicious cycle" in my life... I simply don't understand myself... I have done nothing with my life and I simply can't seem to figure out what the problem(s) is/are... One thing is sure and that's the fact that RPG gaming is not the cause of my behavior today... it is only a result.

I don't know... am I being held back? Or am I just too scared to move forward? What am I so afraid of?

Hopefully I would figure out the answers to those questions sooner or later... I have re-read my posts here today... well one in particular has touched me... It's that article about the "unholy practice"... I believe that the unholy practice is also not the cause but it is also just a result of my behavior.

I have this feeling that the cause would be my inability to express myself to people. My shyness has evolved into something ugly which prevents me from exposing myself. Maybe this is it... this could actually be it... However I think that shyness alone could not have done this to me... because plenty of things fed that kind of attitude and made it much harder to defeat...

I can identify two of the factors which fed my shyness namely money and Leah... YES. Those two are the ones...

Only if I was not given so much money... I would have spent time bonding with others because I would have needed their support... in order to afford other kinds of happiness and comfort... Things which could give me pleasure without having to spend at all... Sadly it did not turn out to be that way... My parents gave me and still are giving me plenty of allowance... I can't blame them... I can't blame my parents for giving me that much money... I believe that they are trying to compensate the fact that they are unable to spend much time with me in order to guide me... I think that telling my parents to give me less allowance would be unwise because I have already built a lifestyle which made me very dependent on the money...

Leah... my lovely girlfriend... my life... she has given me so much comfort... comfort that nobody has ever been able to replace... She has always cushioned my falls and has made my life so happy... I love her a lot... However, with the level of maturity that I have I believe that I misunderstand many things... or I may be unable to appreciate what she is showing me. I have realized this recently...

Those two are very big factors which I will never be able to overcome soon. The first factor I will be able to overcome it but Leah I never will be. Though I have actually found a solution with how it will work with Leah... the fact that we'll soon be having our own jobs will enable us to have more time away from each other meaning that I'll be able to have more time for myself and she have less time to pamper me. The short time that we'll also be sharing then will leave little time for me to ignore what I have... meaning that I'll appreciate her much more than I do today...