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Saturday, June 4, 2011

What causes my shame and fear

I am back to square one again. I told my dad about my problem and he figured out that I was simply turning in circles... That I was actually inside this "vicious cycle" in my life... I simply don't understand myself... I have done nothing with my life and I simply can't seem to figure out what the problem(s) is/are... One thing is sure and that's the fact that RPG gaming is not the cause of my behavior today... it is only a result.

I don't know... am I being held back? Or am I just too scared to move forward? What am I so afraid of?

Hopefully I would figure out the answers to those questions sooner or later... I have re-read my posts here today... well one in particular has touched me... It's that article about the "unholy practice"... I believe that the unholy practice is also not the cause but it is also just a result of my behavior.

I have this feeling that the cause would be my inability to express myself to people. My shyness has evolved into something ugly which prevents me from exposing myself. Maybe this is it... this could actually be it... However I think that shyness alone could not have done this to me... because plenty of things fed that kind of attitude and made it much harder to defeat...

I can identify two of the factors which fed my shyness namely money and Leah... YES. Those two are the ones...

Only if I was not given so much money... I would have spent time bonding with others because I would have needed their support... in order to afford other kinds of happiness and comfort... Things which could give me pleasure without having to spend at all... Sadly it did not turn out to be that way... My parents gave me and still are giving me plenty of allowance... I can't blame them... I can't blame my parents for giving me that much money... I believe that they are trying to compensate the fact that they are unable to spend much time with me in order to guide me... I think that telling my parents to give me less allowance would be unwise because I have already built a lifestyle which made me very dependent on the money...

Leah... my lovely girlfriend... my life... she has given me so much comfort... comfort that nobody has ever been able to replace... She has always cushioned my falls and has made my life so happy... I love her a lot... However, with the level of maturity that I have I believe that I misunderstand many things... or I may be unable to appreciate what she is showing me. I have realized this recently...

Those two are very big factors which I will never be able to overcome soon. The first factor I will be able to overcome it but Leah I never will be. Though I have actually found a solution with how it will work with Leah... the fact that we'll soon be having our own jobs will enable us to have more time away from each other meaning that I'll be able to have more time for myself and she have less time to pamper me. The short time that we'll also be sharing then will leave little time for me to ignore what I have... meaning that I'll appreciate her much more than I do today...

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Amazing Improvements!

I have great news! Well the great news is I'm finally having a life! Well yes! Believe it or not, I have began sharing more about me to other people, and I am less selfish than before! I have began socializing more than before and I have stopped sticking to only a few people! You must be wondering why I have not written in four days! Well I'll explain to you why in a moment!

Well I have been very busy with my life! I have realized the main problem of my laziness and my lack of motivation, well it's as simple as the guy's addiction to that activity, I have made myself a rule and that rule is to stop myself from doing it regularly, usually it would not have worked but this time it is a hundred percent sure that it will. It already has! I have realized that whenever I did that unholy practice I would totally lose myself. When I do it at night, the next morning I feel like I haven't slept, when I do it in the morning well I feel like my whole day ahead of me is ruined! I managed to solve the problem by setting a fixed date on when I should practice it so that I will know when to stop, and thus it will make me be much more effective. I have set my limit to once a week and it's really helping a lot because since I have stopped I have began doing things which are more creative.

When the unholy practice it made me realize that I have not been doing much in my life... That I was always stuck into Role Playing Games no matter what I do. I then accepted the fact that I will never be able to quit playing Role Playing Games so guess what I did?! Well it's as simple as I turned my life into a Role Playing Game! Yes it might sound ridiculous but it is really helping me out with my life! I'll explain to you what I have done!

I wrote on a piece of paper all the possible activities that I could so within a day. For example working out, reading, chores etc. And I have set a certain amount of points for each of them. I will be gaining points depending on the amount of time that I have spent on the particular activity! And once I have accumulated enough points, I will then be able to level up! Isn't it awesome? I really find that it is a great idea because in the end of the day, I look at my chart and I say, hey I have improved! I'm really glad though I'm still working on what I could improve on the chart!

From that day onwards I have began doing a lot of things in order to "level up" I have already done a total of 1200 sit-ups ever since I began my chart! Man 1200 sit-ups in 4 days! :) However I realized that I have not been studying at all, because in 4 days I have only studied for 1 hour... MAN that makes me think! I'll take action now!

I have also managed to stop playing online Role Playing Games because I have become busy with myself. We even went out with friends yesterday the 26th of July to watch the movie Inception which is really awesome by the way! Well I'm glad that my friends are still giving me a warm welcome after 2=two years of me not joining them for any activity! It was really fun going to the movies with Peter and Car!

That's pretty much everything I have to say! Hey and also I am actually gaining points for this article! :D Those points really motivate me into doing lots of things in my life! I'll see you around!

Friday, July 23, 2010

Our trip to Baguio!

Well finally I decided to write about out trip, well about the 4 days weekend I spent with my dad! It was really fun and it felt like I have finally done something worth doing!

I left at 12 p.m. after my Experimental Psychology class, I was really excited, however there was a long traffic ahead because of the repairing of the highway so instead of taking three hours to get to Tarlac it took me five hours. I reached home at around 6 p.m. and my dad and I discussed about many things when we met because we rarely meet. The following morning we set out for Baguio (for the mountains). It was a very long and tiring trip. I appreciated the fact that wherever we went the people would stare at the big bikes even just for a few seconds because it made me feel famous, however there are also some consequences, my butt really hurt during the trip due to the bumpy road! We finally reached Baguio at around 10 a.m. in the morning, as we climbed to the mountain top we started feeling the cool breeze in the surroundings, man it felt so good!

We did not go to our hotel right away, we had to find a motorcycle shop because our rear tire was wearing out, so we spent two hours looking for a shop, it was unbelievable that a big city like Baguio did not have a Big Bike shop! The people led us to mountain bike shops and small motorcycle shops( but we never found a Big Bike shop until 5 p.m. that night.) So we went to our hotel called Velliz (I don't really remember the name) and we took a rest. We all woke up after three hours of sleep! It felt so refreshing! We were all hungry after that because we woke up past lunch time, at around 4 p.m. so we decided to go the a nearby mall to have dinner. We had Yellow Cab for dinner, it was very good but I felt disturbed by the people looking while I was eating so I couldn't finish my meal. At the time my mother sent my dad a text telling him that she had found a shop for us and so my dad and my uncle set out to get the rear tire fixed while we stayed in the mall with my aunt! We chatted and walked around, it was really fun! We bought lots of chocolates because we were so hungry! We saw many Koreans as well as many show offs. I couldn't believe it that there were so many show offs in Baguio, they looked so cheap but they felt so good! Man it was annoying! Especially when we passed by a group of 16 year old skinny boys and they started staring at me, doing their cheap hand stand tricks and when they saw that I didn't even get affected by their cheap tricks they started laughing out loud so unnaturally! Well it just proves to me that I owned them very badly. They can hand stand and stumble as much as they want they'll never be as good looking and as clever as I am! I was really frustrated with those people and many more, man they're annoying! They just show off but they have no talent! Well they shine in the dark! Unbelievable, I even felt that the people in Manila were very humble people when I saw the people in Baguio. Man they have big heads, maybe they should try climbing down their mountain and visit a little bit of civilization from time to time, fools.

Well we woke up at 4 a.m. on Sunday because it was the marathon day, there were four divisions, a 3km, 5km, 10km and a 21km long run. Well they participated in the 21km long run! We had fun waiting because we went to have breakfast with my aunt! I remember having "tortang talong" it was delicious! When their run was over we went back tot he hotel, we took a rest and rode the bikes again for home. The way back home was very different compared to the way to Baguio. My butt hurt much more than before and it felt really long! We also got lost for half an hour because we turned in the wrong intersection! We reached home and I was really glad. By the way Bash, my dog, is doing very well now! His hair has almost all grown! I was so glad to see him! Summer was doing fine too! Man she's so lovely! Whenever I go to sleep she always goes beside me and she does not wake up until I do! :)

Well that's all folks, I feel like this article is lousy, it's what I have to pay for not writing it right way. Be seeing you!

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

It's time for improvements!

Hey! I'm sorry for not updating you for the past few days! Well I have lots of stories to tell however I'd like to talk about something important first.

Today I went back to class, it felt good to see my friends again! Well our first class was Feature Writing. We received the results of our previous homework. I was happy with my results, I had 1.75 meaning 90-92, however I felt a little disappointed because compared to my classmates I got a lower grade... I was disappointed BUT it didn't last for long because what I really love about my professor is that she really took her time reading each and every one of our articles meaning that she spent a lot of effort in grading them all fairly. What I like about Madam Alice is that she underlined all the mistakes I had done. She also wrote down every single improvement I had to make. After two years of studying in UST she is the first professor to have made me feel like there were actually so many things to improve,and she SHOWED them to me! Thus helped me! It means that I won;t have to re-do those mistakes again! I was really very thankful. She is a great professor. I made quite a lot of mistakes in my article and what made it so is that I tried to write in a sophisticated manner thus I had to make longer sentences and it was easier to commit mistakes. Another reason is that I have a very limited vocabulary so whenever I try to express or explain myself I have to put in ten words in a sentence which could be explained with two words!

She made me realize that I still had so much to learn and that I had to improve on those areas which she pointed out. There is one solution that I have decided to apply and that would be to read, read and read. She has somehow motivated me so much into the course because she has showed me that it is also like a game where one has to improve himself. I love shining in the class and if I want to continue shining I have to do a much better job! The problem is I spend 10 minutes on my homework where my classmates do not spend less than three! So I better improve my habits if I want to compete with them!

In other news well we had a surprise quiz in Spanish today! Well I really love Spanish class because it's so simple due to my advantage of being able to speak French which is very similar to Spanish. I was very satisfied with my results because I got 17/20 and most only got around 10-12! (YEA!) It made my day, I really love Wednesdays because I learn a lot from my professors. Tomorrow will be different because we will be having two literature classes in a row, already I hate my first professor... and I have never met the second one... I really hope that everything goes well tomorrow! I still haven't found time to write about our trip in Baguio with my dad but I will surely find time not to worry!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Hey Hey! :)

Well today's Thursday and we were supposed to have 2 quizzes as I told you yesterday! Well the good news is we had no classes today! During our first period from 9 a.m. to 12 p.m. we had no class because the Bachelor of Arts Student Council supervisor came to our class for her annual survey! It was so much fun! We had this particular survey which could somehow estimate our personality! Well there were three parts in the survey, and I got the worst remarks out of all three! Well I got the remark of being a: Loner, Rebel and Pessimist! Well the supervisor said that since I got all three traits it meant that I was a "rock" ! Well I was somehow glad because I knew that it's my personality anyway and I accepted it with no issue. Then she asked me whether I wanted to change my behavior and obviously my answer was "no". Well the reason is I may be a loner, a rebel and pessimistic but when ever I join people in their activities they always welcome me, and sometimes I am also invited! So I have no trouble because they do not isolate me, but I choose to isolate myself, well I must admit that I am an interesting person and many people actually want to get to know me better but unfortunately for them I only open up to very few people.

After the long survey we were dismissed. We had a tow hour break before the next class started so I decided to go home because I did not see where I could spend two hours waiting! I had lunch, pork, and I read my notes because we were going to have a quiz. After those two short hours I went back to school. We waited for two hours in class, talking about all sorts of things while waiting for our professor but "UNFORTUNATELY!"(NOT) he did not attend the class! So we happily went home!(LOL)

I reached home and I took a nap, it was already 3 p.m. then. I woke up at 6 p.m. and I played. We have nothing to do for tomorrow anyway but I'm still going to read through my notes just in case.

I'm also going home tomorrow after class. Well the reason would be that my dad's coming and I barely see him so I decided to go home even though we have this important exercise this Saturday. Hopefully our second class this Saturday has been canceled too, so that's really great because it lessens the burden! I'm really excited to go home and see my dad and also to see my pets! I miss home but really I only go home when I am with Leah or either my parents and my brother are there, but if not I don;t go home because there is nothing to be there for, except for people feeling miserable and complaining... and scarce food.

Well that's it for today, I'll keep you updated once I'm in Tarlac, it will be a tiring day tomorrow and it will be the first time that I exit Manila ever since Leah left for Singapore.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

What I enjoy doing!

Hey well today's Wednesday the 14th of July and I was supposed to have school from 3 p.m. to 9 p.m. but we didn't because of the very strong storm last night! Well here is how last night went, as usual I was on Facebook busy adding friends, it was already raining outside but I didn't mind because I already bought my food downstairs so I didn't have to trouble myself anymore whether I'd get wet or not! So there I was busy adding friends when suddenly at around 11 p.m. all the lights turned off! I was so scared! We lost power in the whole building! At first I didn't mind because I knew the guards would turn our generator on! Well I was right,they did, however they only turned the generator to light the corridors and they didn't give any power to us! So I had to spend the night in the dark! Hopefully my MP3 was fully charged and had lots of music so I didn't really get bored. I also played my PSP GO! It was fun! Whenever I removed my headset to go to the bathroom I could hear the very strong winds hitting the window! It was really scary, as if the wind would break the windows at any moment! Hopefully that did not happen. The night went fine, during the morning when I woke up there was still no electricity... Then I felt like a jackass when I remembered that I turned off the main switch before I went to bed! The good side is however, instead of playing that morning I did my homework and I read too!

I wanted to share what I enjoy doing today. Well I enjoy blogging because every time I blog, at the end of my article I feel a sense of relief in me like a huge burden was taken off me. Also when I blog I totally get back to the "real world" because usually when I play too much, even after playing all I think about is the game! Well now it's different because my blog sets me back to the right track, the track of progressing with my life!

Well I'm alone now as I have repeated many times and ever since Leah left the food I ate were meager. It was alright at first because I felt that I was getting thinner, thus better! I was satisfied! I still am satisfied now however I have decided to eat a little more than before now because I have realized the importance of eating! Well every time I have to do something (especially homework) I never have the energy to do it, I always feel so weak and sometimes even for a whole day all I do is play because it does not require much energy and I am seriously displeased with that kind of attitude. So for a few days now I have been eating much more, because whenever I ate I felt like studying! So I make sure every day that before going to school I get myself a good meal!

There's also this one thing that I have began doing the past few days which would be to download songs from the net! I know it's forbidden but who buys albums nowadays? Well I have downloaded over 10 albums within a week and they are so awesome! I just have to listen to each and every album once a day! They make my day.

In other news well I'm intending to go home this Saturday! Well it's really just my luck that my second professor won't be around so I'll be able to go home earlier! Although I'm a little tight in budget because of all the school fees and unpaid bills I am sure that I can still make it until the end of the month! We're having 2 quizzes tomorrow (Thursday 15th of July) and what's great is that I have already read through the selections once so all I have to do is re-read them and I'll be fine for tomorrow. I really hate my World Literature professor by the way because she is just so choosy and demanding! Sometimes she even disregards the function of something and focuses more on how beautiful it is! You know what I mean!

See ya!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Compilation

Hey I'd like to apologize because I promised to write on my blog Sunday night and I didn't! Well Sunday night was fun! I went out for a barbecue dinner! I had chicken heads, pork ears and pork meat! (LOL) it was so delicious! I was actually eating century tuna (canned tuna) when I decided that I should also eat some real food once in a while because too much food with preservatives can be bead for the health! So I went down.I still have a story tell about! When I went down I still had to wait for my barbecue to be cooked so I sat there waiting because there were over 5 customers ahead of me. I was a little disturbed by each of the customers dipping their barbecue into the sauce once they were cooked, because everyone dips in there and it's not hygienic at all! Hopefully I make my own sauce (LOL. Then there was this man, who kept referring to me and I was curious why, he kept asking me "Hey is that your BBQ?" and I'd say "Yea it is!" then he'll ask me again! It's funny because his BBQ was already cooked and ready but he didn't leave yet so I began to have doubts! So I reached for my wallet and was ready to pay when the "man" offered to pay for my meal! Well of course I said no! Then there I realized that he was gay! (LOL!) It was such a funny moment!

I went back home and I ate my BBQ, my it was delicious however I was displeased with my burping after the meal because it smelled disgusting! After eating I attacked my homework! This could be the reason why I was not able to write Sunday night, it's because we were given such a long assignment and we were only notified Saturday when that assignment was due Monday! Hopefully I managed to finish it on time thanks to Leah (Thank you tart!)

Well Monday was short, I woke up at 10 am as I remember and I started reviewing for my quiz! I felt sleepy after 30 minutes of review so I went back to sleep! I woke up at 12 this time and I went back to review, it felt good and I was being much more efficient because I not longer thought of sleeping! Unfortunately for me there was no quiz when I went to class! Our class was short, we only had 1 hour and 30 minutes of classes when it's supposed to be 3 hours! Thanks to all the lighting and thunder we were dismissed earlier! The night went fine, as usual I watched The Simpsons before going to bed.

Well now talking about this morning,Tuesday, nothing interesting happened. Well I discovered a game at least! It's called Black Shot recommended to me by Han Xu my friend! It's a shooting game and it's totally free and it's also totally awesome because I experience no lag! I played for the whole day, the game's really fun and it made my adrenaline rush for several hours straight!

Well that's it for today I'll write more things when I remember what I wanted to talk about! Because there are some things I would have loved to write about but which I've forgotten!

Be seeing you!